A Love Letter to myself on my 50th birthday

(I wrote a letter to myself on the eve of my 50th birthday, and now a year later, I decided to share it with you...)

 Holy shit! Sweet girl, you made it to 50.

50 years of walking this earth. 50 years of dancing, of laughing, of dreaming.

50 years of brushing your teeth (just think of ALL the places you have brushed your teeth!)

50 years! That’s a lot of….

Exquisite meals

Crappy meals

Hot soaks and cold plunges

Hair product and hair balls

Near misses

Magical serendipity

Risky moves

Dumb luck

Festivals, concerts, yoga mats and playa dust.

So much playa dust.

50 years…

That’s a lot of dance floors and disappointments (but luckily not many on the dance floor)

Think about how many push-ups and planks and downward dogs…

How many berries picked, mugs of tea savored and voice mails left.

50 years…

That’s a lot of journal entries (many of heartache and confusion) and camp friends and campy

songs around camp fires. And tearful goodbyes.

and so many moments of stress, procrastination, last-minute packing and bickery fights.

And also, a lot of face and body oil. So much oil.

Here is what I see- a woman who doesn’t feel 50 but also wants to embody the wisdom and confidence that comes with this age. A Mom, doctor and author who works so fucking hard. Like, really hard. A person who strives to take good care of herself, which not only means intentional eating and movement and sleep but actively and intentionally checking in with your heart and moving through emotions honestly and regularly.

Perhaps that’s your biggest vitality secret-- not letting any of that shit fester.

You keep moving towards the belly of the beast - to move THROUGH it.

Through grief, fear, not-enoughness, criticism, high-functioning anxiety.

Self doubt….

I honor how attuned you have become in naming and deeply feeling these things and embracing them with less shame all the time.

I wish for you to continue on your path of integrity with yourself. Growing greater agency  -- allowing what’s real for you to be real. For this self-governance to ease transitions- which you can be sure are coming- big and small.

I want to honor how you have allowed for grief to take you over, to be pummeled and washed up on its shores, time and time again. Especially when you lost your dad and soul-mate doggie in the same season. That season of grief brought so many tears you would nearly or completely choke on them and in the same season you laughed so hard that you nearly or completely peed in your pants.

Thank you for allowing your heart to be broken and also wide open - and recognizing that these two things often happen together. And mostly, thank you for still loving deeply when you know all the grief that is yet to come. Everyone you know and love is going to die. Including your kids.

Wow… Deep breath….

50 years of deep breaths! You sure do love those deep breathes and other ways to reset your nervous system- the full-body Qi gong sessions to quite literally shake some shit off! You have resorted to bathroom stalls and airports to shake what you just didn’t want to hold on to anymore. And then there are the handstands in libraries against stacks of books, stair sprints in hospitals and stretching just about anywhere you go. Good girl. I salute you in your dedication to self-preservation. Especially when you look like a dork.

50 years…

I almost forgot all of the decades of deep study. The first 30 years to be exact. So many classes, notes, quizzes, tests, syllabuses and papers. Oral reports, lab reports and mock-patient exams. And learning all of those muscles, boney landmarks, herbs, pharmaceuticals, acupuncture points and Chinese herbs?! OMG.

And then there were the years of researching, compiling, writing, editing, weaving, writing, editing, freaking out, writing, editing and finally COMPLETING. Whew. Way to stick with it girl. (You had some close calls of your book set living quietly as an incomplete project, gnawing at you forever. I’m REALLY glad that you not only dreamed them up but delivered them!)

And then there have been all the conferences, summits, webinars and weird-ass workshops, podcasts and presentations in the name of further discovery. There’s so much to learn, huh?

And then there was the season of diapers and donated breast milk (to me, not from me!- deep bow mammas). Sleep deprivation, baby-wearing and temporary insanity. And laundry. So much laundry.

And healing! Think about all the scrapes and scabs that disappear as your miraculous body just heals and seals and carries on. And the major injuries and major surgeries. Thank you for your steadfast dedication to repair and recovery. You have had to fight again and again to keep that body working so well. And know, sweet pea, that you’ll eventually have to yield to the crepitus and brittleness, and I hope you can do so with grace.

I see that you plan for - and execute on behalf of - the life that you dream of. You have been known to use some high-level aikido to roll with the twists and turns and dead ends. Know that sometimes you will just need to let the river take you- surrender to the mystery and not try to control the outcome.

I wish for you to drive your business, your teachings and specifically the continuous efforts to share your book set with the world to come through DESIRE- not need, not grasping, not fear (which can be oh so powerful), but to continue to connect with the WHY behind your 15-year dedication to bringing these books to the world. LIVE INTO THAT. The world wants what you have to share.

Ahhh 50 years of awe…..

May you always feel that awe when you experience a sun-ripened Oregon Hood Strawberry, a  drippy ferny pacific NW rain forest, a warm turquoise ocean, fresh river clay smeared all over your body, a neighborhood walk in Cherry Hill NJ on a buggy summer eve, a warm smushed PB and J sandwich pulled out of a back pack mid-way on a hike and a perfectly-timed hug.

May you continue to remind yourself as you gaze upon the trees in your back yard, yearning for war to end and safety for all children, that mothers around the globe join you in this prayer. 

When your life feels chaotic, may you remind yourself of that intersection in New Delhi where you stood still amongst a constant whirl of people, cars, motorbikes, bikes, rickshaws, buses, wheeled carts, scrappy dogs and decorated cows - all moving divergently without any identifiable rules - that even in chaos, you can find tremendous FLOW.

I appreciate how you never say you are doing something “on your bucket list” as you do not desire for life to ever feel like a bunch of boxes to check.

I wish for you to see the wisdom in SLOWING DOWN. To allow yourself to have some spacious luxurious mornings (You don’t need to sleep until its 15 min before  GO TIME)… I wish that you find more and more time to immerse in nature. This may be your best medicine.

May you continue to remind yourself of the tremendous gift of being raised and taught by completely supportive and loving parents. It’s not lost on you that you are where you are because of this privilege along with their hard-earned abundance and therefore access to resources and education- may you continue to be humbled by your life circumstances which have always known safety and comfort and clean water and personal and religious freedom.

And unlimited fresh-picked blackberries in August, that’s pretty sweet too.

It bears repeating that its ok to turn down that nagging undercurrent of “not enoughness”. It’s not true. Or perhaps it is. But it really doesn’t matter, nor deserve much more air time.

How would it feel to be liberated from that shit?

May your back packs and pockets always be filled with rosemary, lavender and other herbs you collect on your walks along with forgotten supplements, crumbs and perhaps some produce. May you feel compassion for your spazzy self who is always spilling your water everywhere and insisting on always taking it with you, while rarely actually drinking from it.

And it’s time to fess up that you really are messy. I see you working on this, but jeeze, it doesn’t seem to come naturally to you. Not sure why you think you need to see everything you own. Drawers and cabinets work really well and you can open them anytime!  Oh and it’s also ok that you continually buy books that you don’t actually finish (or sometimes even start) and insist on piling up on BOTH bed side tables like an obnoxiously awkward and perilous self-improvement Jenga set.

Ahhhhh the wisdom of 50! It does get easier to laugh at yourself.

May you keep laughing. Even when things suck. Especially when things suck.

May you bathe in gratitude for having an absolutely beautiful family, treasured group of close friends, wonderful patients… a healthy strong and able body, a comfortable and safe place to live and cook and sleep and snuggle. And most importantly, two healthy incredibly loving sons and partner who have got your back and your heart.

Know that all of the experiences that preceded this moment are imprinted and being expressed through you. None of it regretful or less important. Even the shitty bits.

May you always know yourself as home. Let your intuition and visceral response over-ride any pro/con list. Let food and friendship and movement and rest and nature continue to be your first and primary medicine. May you grow ever-more compassionate and present so you can show up in the ways you really desire. When you find yourself judging someone or instantly not interested in their story, lean in and become curious about what that person’s unique gifts are. May those walls around your heart become more porous as you let grace wash over you… allowing you to surrender with deep reverence for life while claiming your personal liberation in each moment.

I'll say it again… let this most auspicious time be marked with surrender and deep reverence for all of life while claiming your personal liberation in each moment.

I relish in it all… the breath-taking grief and awe-inspiring beauty of life.

as I welcome 50 with my whole self and an open-hearted F#@K YES.

 XOXOX

Dr. Erika

I ❤️ you.

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